A momma knows…
She know a hungry cry from a pain cry. She knows by 8am if it’s going to be a happy-baby day or a fussy-baby day. She knows when her toddler is getting into something when she hides out and gets quiet. She knows that her six-year-old daughter will throw a massive tantrum when told she can’t wear her high heels on gym day. She knows when her ten-year-old has hidden snacks under the mattress waiting for lights out. She knows when her thirteen-year-old been crying over a broken heart or a lost friend. She knows her fifteen-year-old is lying when she says “everything’s fine mom.” And I knew that something was up the night my seventeen-year-old paced the house for an hour, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. When she walked out the front door…again, and back in a few seconds later….again, I couldn’t keep quiet any longer.
“Something’s up. What’s going on with you?”
My question was more of a formality. I already knew the answer. I know her like I know the back of my hand. I know her habits. I know her moods. And, most telling for our situation, I knew when she should have started her period. She pulled her hand from the pocket of her PJ pants with something small and plastic wrapped tightly in her tiny grasp. I didn’t have to look down, I didn’t really want to. I knew that she held a pregnancy test and I knew it held a positive reading.
And here I am. And there she is. And this is us going forward.
We have bypassed many moments that natural order would have us to go through but this is an unchangeable circumstance. This is a hold-on-for-dear-life-because-ready-or-not-your-world-is-flipping circumstance. And I have spent every moment since trying desperately to grab onto the handle bars long enough to wrap my head around it all. There are the normal feelings of joy, anger, guilt, worry, confusion, etc…and all seem to be set on auto-rotation scheduled to take a spin every five minutes.
So, this blog is my therapy. I hope that you find it helpful or, at best, entertaining; but for me, it’s an hour a week, lying on a couch, digging deep into why I feel the way I feel without the hefty price tag that it would carry with a therapist in the chair across from me. Thanks for loving me through my journey.