I want to be cool. Wait- let me try that again….
I wanna b cool. That’s better!
Next month I will turn 38. ONLY 38. That is young! Young enough to be cool, to be hip, to be ‘the shizzle’….wait, does that reference a curse word? I have completely lost my cool-factor. It’s gone. I had it just a few short years ago but once people start asking how your grand-baby is doing- it is definitely gone!
But I, friends, am a lady of action. I refuse to sit and wallow in self-pity. I can totally do something about this! Wait- let me try that again….
I can *totes *slay this, yo. That’s better!
So, this morning I did what all the other cool *peeps do. I dug to the back of my closet, pulled out my Ugg boots and that expensive, fuzzy jacket that I got from The Rak and I headed to Starbucks. All the cool girls have great Starbucks selfies that are straight *fire!
I ordered a Caramel Macchiato. I could have ordered something much cuter but I don’t like anything cuter and there’s no sense in wasting money on something I won’t drink….be cool, but be thrifty. I had decided I would take my selfie in the drive-thru, because how cool would that be; Starbucks window in the background with my barista whipping up something great for the next car. So, I removed the lid of my cup to reveal the white frothy topping drizzled with gooey caramel and held my camera above my head (makes you look thinner that way) and waited for a good shot. However, the barista was not amused and ruined my shot with his disapproving stare and the cars behind me seemed to be losing their cool as well. No worries, I can just take my selfie somewhere else. Who needs a hairy, grumpy barista *throwing shade on their shot anyway? *Savage!
Next stop, the school where I dropped off my kiddo. There was a line which caused me to temporarily forget my mission and I took a sip of my coffee thus completely destroying the cute caramel swirl on the top. So, attempt #2 was to be taken with the lid on the cup. No worries though, I still had my *swag clothes on…which were actually making me a little sweaty with all the coffee drinking. I certainly didn’t want to look *ratchet in my selfie, so I attempted to take the heavy coat off but the struggle only made me hotter, and not in the *gucci way!
I decided I would need to wait until I could get home and get cooled off before I could take my picture. Unfortunately, I was thirsty and my coffee didn’t make it home. So, after splashing a little water on my face to freshen up, I grabbed my empty cup and headed into the dining room for good lighting. After several attempts from different angles, I came to the conclusion that I am really a little too cool to take a Starbucks Selfie. It’s okay though, I’m not *salty. Starbucks Selfies are so yesterday, and so *extra.
And if you *low key need the definition of my italicized words, you need to get *woke, cause maybe you aren’t so cool yourself! 🙂
Totes- another way to use the word “totally”.
Slay- to do something well enough to ‘dominate’ the task.
Peeps- a reference to other people, often one’s friends or associates.
Fire- really good looking, often used interchangeably with the word hot.
Throwing Shade- to publicly criticize or express contempt for someone.
Savage- used to describe the actions of a person being cruel or brutal.
Swag- to have or do something that is cool.
Ratchet- a ghetto-dialect mispronunciation of the term “wretched,” referring to an uncouth female.
Gucci- interchangeable with the term good.
Salty- used to describe someone who is angry, bitter, or upset.
Extra- over the top or excessive.
Low Key- to keep something secret, usually to avoid humiliation.
Woke- used as a byword for social awareness.
**disclaimer: I wouldn’t recommend using any of these terms around a real teenager. I’ve received many eye-rolls. It’s not good for your self-esteem.